translating haynes manuals

copied, but slightly edited, from http://www.mez.co.uk/haynes.html

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The REAL meaning of the Haynes Manual instructions:

Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise. You do know which way is counterclockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
To access, remove every part that you had previously replaced - plus several more. Then use a crowbar and mallet.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now that you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy the biggest can of WD40 you can find...

Haynes: Ease...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey! What was that? It nearly put my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK... the glass bit is gone. Now fetch some needlenose pliers to dig out the remaining metal part and glass shards."

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Any child could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a teeny tiny little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (which, by the way, would have been of more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you?!?

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation #1: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Break pegs...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Make sure you have a cell phone and AAA membership

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation #1: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the one thing you want to do

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: "I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere."

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a tub of GoJo hand cleaner. Wipe some congealed cleaner from the lid and use that since it's got a similar texture and is probably good enough to get you to AutoZone to buy some grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details.
Translation: None of the illustration's notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model, or perhaps a hovercraft.

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HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate and damage expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel, as well as engraving long crooked gashes into sheetmetal.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: A cutting tool which transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

METRIC SOCKETS: Though intended for use on foreign cars and motorcycles, their primary function is to impersonate that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls instantly.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping gum off your shoes.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of any ground straps, wiring harnesses, or brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A hand tool used to cut sheetmetal into unusable curly pieces with razor-sharp edges.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and rounds them off.

CROWBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 79-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.